Monday, February 6, 2017

Take Back the Control

We are all in need of things that give us control in our lives. Over the years I've had a few things that made me feel powerful. Two main ones were Kickboxing and competing on my speech and debate team. Sadly, neither of these are available to me anymore.

I started Kickboxing when I was in Residential. We had a heavy bag in the gym and some of my treatment goals involved going down with one of the counselors, L, who was teaching me how to box. It was an incredible experience for which I have no words. Learning how to box, and then starting kickboxing at home made me feel powerful in a way nothing before had ever done. I saw my body as powerful.

After I was sexually assaulted I hated my body. I still struggle with feelings like this, but when I was kickboxing I was able to view my body as something with power and grace and fire. I loved it.

Unfortunately due to my physical health problems I haven't been able to kick-box in almost a year. Only very recently have I accepted the fact that I will never be going back to it.

Which left me searching for something new to find feelings of power and control in. I graduated the team at the same time I left high school and haven't given any speeches since. That desire led me to start blogging. It isn't quite the same, but I've always used my words to give me power.

That's probably why I'm writing today when I haven't written anything I've liked in weeks. Today was riddled with bad news. I've been searching for ways to keep my life together all day and am left with more questions than answers. So I write. I lay it all out there. It gives me a feeling of control.

We all need that in our lives. We need something healthy that makes us feel powerful, because we all are. I'm searching for my power. What is yours?

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