Sunday, March 12, 2017

Accepting That I Need to Rest

I was never big into napping. On the contrary, I struggle with Insomnia and it used to be if I slept at all during the day I would not sleep at night, even with my sleeping meds. Lately, one of the more difficult things for me to come to terms with is how incredibly fatigued I get.

Over the last three months I have had to lay down and rest at some point in the day every day. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I just lay there. On a good day I can go all morning without having to rest, but will inevitably need to lay down when I get back to my dorm. On a bad day I need to rest after taking a shower. Due to this I often become upset with myself for having to rest when there is work I really should be getting done.

Going from having PTSD to a chronic illness hasn't been easy. For a long time I was not a fan of my body. I felt like my body was the enemy, the scene of my attack that I couldn't escape from. I had spent years ignoring the needs of my body. Now I am having to learn to listen to it and care for it.

I am learning that my body, though it doesn't always comply with what I might want, is not the enemy. I am learning to remind myself that I am not less than for taking the time to rest and give my body what it needs. I am learning that advocating for my physical health is no different than the advocating for my mental health I have grown accustomed to. I am learning it is okay to ask for help. I am learning it is okay to not be able to do everything everyday.

I am no where near perfect at this yet. I'm not even good at it yet. The days I am angry with myself out number the days I am patient. Some days I need to seek out help to remind me of these things when I simply can't convince myself, but I am trying and I will continue to try because this body's not going anywhere. So for now I will write this mainly so I can reread it.

 I went back and forth debating whether or not I would post this because I have a big problem with feeling like I complain too much, but maybe just maybe it can help someone else.

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