It all started when an antipsychotic I was put on caused me to gain 35 pounds. It started as trying to watch what I ate in a healthy way, but that spun out of control. I used it as a way to find control when my PTSD was at a head and I had no control. I started restricting. I didn't think it was bad. Definitely not "bad enough" for treatment. That was another lie. Any disordered eating or eating disorder is bad enough for treatment.
I hid what I was doing. I brushed it off. I down played it when I was asked about it. I wasn't diagnosed until I went to residential. Even then my therapist told me I had anorexia as did my family therapist and I knew they were right. I was still in denial. I didn't think it was "that bad" I told my parent I had it under control. When I came home I told my dietician I had it under control. I told myself I had it under control, but an eating disorder is never under control.
When I started my first semester of college I was underweight. Thankfully I have an honest relationship with my therapist and she helped me. I looked for a dietician but the options in Bakersfield are limited. The one I called wasn't taking new clients. I worked on my own and with my therapist.
Over time I stopped restricting so much. Now I am only a few pounds shy of my goal weight and a few more pounds shy of my therapists goal for me. I don't skip meals anymore. I don't hide my struggles. I am not fully recovered, but I'm doing a lot better.
This past week was National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I am choosing to speak out now to show anyone else who may be struggling that you can get better. It may be hard but you are worth it. Don't do it alone. You don't have to. Help is out there.