Wednesday, March 15, 2017

My Realities of PTSD

I woke up this morning with a black eye. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. One symptom of PTSD that I struggle with is nightmares, because of them my sleep is never restful and sometimes violent.

I'm not sharing this for pity. I don't need or want it. I'm sharing this to show the realities of living with a mental illness.

For those of us with PTSD we relive the trauma over and over whether in our dreams or in flashbacks. Something that I call a "side effect of being me" is that I tend to fight back during these times. I think it comes from when I did kickboxing. My instinct is to fight. While I'm on that topic that is also why you should never ever sneak up on me. I have almost punched several people who startled me without meaning to. It's just my first instinct.

Thankfully as I have progressed in my therapy and treatment these instances are becoming fewer. I haven't had a black eye in months, but I did almost break my hand a couple weeks ago when I punched a steel door during a flashback.

This is just my reality. It's not beautiful, it's not glamorous, but it's my life. My life which I'm learning to love and learning to live.

I have accepted what happened to me. I have accepted the challenges that come from it. I have accepted that some of those challenges may never go away. I grieved the life I used to have and the life I always dreamed of. Once a was able to do that and accept who I am I started to see all the wonderful things I have made myself into because of this struggle.

I don't know why I woke up with a black eye again today after months of not having one. I don't know when my next flashback will happen. What I do know is that I'll deal with it and I will survive.

7 comments:

  1. Wow, I really enjoyed reading this! I look forward to your future posts:D Maybe you might like some of the things I write about on my blog.. feel free to have a look!

    www.milliesmoments.co.uk

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  2. I have PTSD also, it's no fun! Living life with this is a constant battle betweem the past and the present. I am glad with therapy & treatment that these instances are becoming fewer. Hopefully you aren't interrogated about the black eye. Stay strong!

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  3. I love how open and honest this post is - well done! You should be proud of how awesome you are :)

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    1. Thank you so much. You are too kind.

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  4. Thank you for sharing this. All too often I run into people who hear the words "mental illness" and automatically connect it to mass violence, mass shootings, mental instability, etc. It drives me crazy! (Not pun intended)
    Thanks for being so honest!

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    1. Stigma is definitely a huge problem. It is something I am trying to fight and the reason I strive to be as honest as I can be.

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