I grew up singing the Primary song
I hope they call me on a mission
When I have grown a foot or two
I hope by then I will be ready
To teach and preach and work as missionaries do
Tonight at the adult session of Stake Conference all the full time missionaries were asked to stand. This isn't uncommon. What was uncommon is that when they all stood up I began to cry.
I have had the desire to serve a full time mission for my church since I was a teenager. I thought I would be able to do this. Sadly due to my mental illnesses I am not able to go on a mission as I would like.
For those of you who aren't Mormon I want to be clear that having a mental illness does not disqualify you from serving a mission. You does, however, need to be managed well enough that your focus can be on your service. The mission field is full of blessings, but it's not always easy. There are challenges and hardships and trials.
I do not disagree with them. If I were allowed to go on a full time mission I would most likely end up returning early. That wouldn't be good for anyone.
In my church there is a system set up for those of us who cannot serve full time missions. I will be able to be honorably excused from a full time missionary serve and have the opportunity to live at home and do a part time service mission.
Something I struggle with is going back and forth with accepting this. Don't get me wrong. I want to serve and I'm willing to serve however I can. There have been many times when I think I have accepted that I cannot serve full time, but then there will be another time following that when I desperately want to serve a full time mission.
Tonight was one of those nights. When all the missionaries were asked to stand I couldn't keep from crying because I wanted to be standing with them. I think part of why I was so senesitive was because last week I had to postpone my service mission.
You see, for the past four months I have been working with my Bishop setting up my service mission. I was supposed to start in June. My mental health and physical health has gotten to be that that is not possible. I need to focus on staying healthy right now and so last week I put my mission on hold.
I did try to make it clear to my Bishop though that this was in no way canceling my mission. I don't care if I can't serve until I'm 30 (okay, hello hyperbole), I will do my service mission.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. I know that my Savior lives. I know he loves me and he died so I might live again. I know he Atoned for my sins. I know he felt all the pain and hurt and sickness I have ever and will ever feel. I know he had gone through it so that by him I might. I know God is my Heavenly Father. I know he hears my prayers. I know we have a prophet who is alive today who tells us what God would have us know now. I believe Joseph Smith was a prophet who saw God and Jesus Christ. I believe the Book of Mormon to be true and that it goes hand in hand with the Bible. These things I have faith in. These things I trust in. These things I want to share. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen