A topic that has been swarming around my mind lately is how to find a balance with my body - particularly with my weight.
As I have written about before I struggle with Anorexia. I'm doing better with it than I have in the past, but I believe that once you struggle with an eating disorder you will, to some extent, have that voice inside of you.
I have actually had some success with that lately though in that last week I reached my long worked for goal weight. I think I'm the only college student on my campus this year who was actually grateful to gain the Freshman 15.
In an ideal world I could focus on recovering from Anorexia without worrying about my weight. I would focus on eating and loving my body no matter how it was. Actually I suppose in an ideal world I would not have developed Anorexia. Regardless, in the world I live in I did develop Anorexia. I was also given the challenge of chronic illness.
This is the reason I have no focus and keep track of my weight. My particular type of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome affects my joints a lot. I have lost count of the number of doctors and treatment professionals who have warned me against gaining weight.
Just yesterday I was at my PCP's office for something unrelated, or at least not directly related, to my EDS and the PA I was seeing noticed I have gained a little bit of weight since I had been in last. She felt it appropriate to point out that I had gained weight and warn me to not keep gaining weight or it would make my joints worse.
Keep in mind, yes I've gained weight. Yes, I'm at my goal weight, but I'm still skinny. I don't agree with giving out numbers online especially when talking about eating disorders; however, I am at a healthy weight for my short height and I am still skinny.
It's difficult though to have these two illnesses whose treatment seem to contradict each other. For my eating disorder I should not be focusing on weight and size. For my EDS everyone is telling me not to gain weight. How do I strike a balance? For now I'll stay where I am. It seems to be the happiest medium I could find.
And I'll continue to fight the battles I've been given. I can't possibly be the only person with a chronic illness who also had an eating disorder. I am determined to get better and I'll do that however I can.
To anyone else out there struggling: keep fighting the fight. Keep moving forward. It's always worth it.