Thursday, May 4, 2017

When Insecurities Collide with Friendships

I find it ironic how I can stand up in front of 5000 people and give a speech or talk about my mental illness in front of a group of peers no problem, but once I'm one-on-one in an interpersonal relationship I am the most insecure person. 

Speaking in front of groups comes easy to me. It's something I love and it's something I'm good at. It gives me confidence. When I'm in the normal world though and not on a stage I have a hard time with relationships. 

A lot of my problems stem from trauma issues. I have trust issues and abandonment issues that I am currently working on. I also have some social anxiety. I have since I was younger. 

One of my core beliefs is that I annoy people. I'm always always worried that I'm talking too much or texting too much or anything too much. I'm constantly concerned that people don't really like me. 

I have a tendency to ask the other person every so often, if we're good  It's probably not healthy, but I sometimes need that reassurance. That they care about me like I care about them and all the problems I see are cognitive distortions I've magnified in my head. 

This is definitely something I hope to be able to overcome and I do believe that as I continue my healing journey that I will be able to get better at this. I've already come a distance from when I first started.   I believe as I begin to grow more confidence in myself as a person and a friend and as I learn to trust others and myself more I will be able to form friendships and relationships that I don't have to question. 

Until then, if you're one of the people I'm lucky enough to have in my life, give me patience. Allow me that reassurance. I'm trying and always moving forward. 

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand your feelings. I also have abandonment and trust issues, so I get how frustrating it can be to crave that reassurance from other people saying that they still care.

    I always feel like I’m bothering people, even if I’m thanking them for something! But then I also worry and feel guilty if I feel like I’m not talking to them enough. Seems like there’s no winning sometimes.

    While I don’t think my abandonment and trust issues are going away any time soon, I am getting better at talking about my mental health with my loved ones. The thing that I find most rewarding is that it’s not usually a one-way conversation. I get to learn how their mental health is doing and it makes it that much easier to support each other. :)

    Anyway, thanks for sharing this post. It always helps to know you’re not alone when facing challenges like this.